First Spork: A scam letter!

WHAT A SHOCK!

Anyway, this is taken directly from Hoax Slayer. Before we begin this slice of ham though, has anyone heard of the Nigerian scam letters? For those who haven't, Snopes has got an explaination right here. As for this, this is the FBI variant of the scam. Here's an explanation from Hoax Slayer.

"These types of scam email are often designed to extract even more money from people who have previously fallen victim to advance fee scams [The Nigerian scams]. Any recipients who are scared into actually sending money will continue to receive further requests for fees and personal information along with increasing threats for non compliance."

They've even got an example of such a scam on the very page where it's explained. And that's what we'll be sporking.

*Insert Homestar saying "This gonn' be gooood" here*

Subject: FINAL WARNING: YOU WILL BE ARRESTED AND JAILED IF YOU FAIL TO READ THE ATTACHED E-MAIL AND COMPLY

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division

FBI Headquarters In Washington, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Attention: Beneficiary Okay, given how the next paragraphs are going to shift in tone, I doubt the 'writer' of this note would address the recipient as a 'beneficiary'.

This is the final warning you are going to receive from me, do you get me? I hope you understand how many times this message has been sent to you.

From the word go, this has turned golden. "Do you get me?" That sounds like a kid trying to act like a cop, rather than a grown-up FBI agent writing a formal warning. XD

Secondly, the wording seems to imply that several copies of this exact email have been sent, over and over.

We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not supposed to be working for the government or any private organization.

Oh geez, what if the suspect turns out to be innocent? He would not only have a hole in his wallet, but he'd also be out of a job. The scammer seems to have NO idea how law enforcement works. Even if a suspect truly is not supposed to work for the government and such, how does the scammer know that the recipient is such an employee? Are all places of work directly tied to the government or a private organization? The world may never know...

Your ID which we have in our database have been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to inset you in their website as an internet fraudsters and to warn people from having any deals with you.

What the hell? Now we're getting into Wacky Big Brother Paranoia Land. You know, the place where nutjobs believe their names are blacklisted by a religious church, meaning they can't get any good jobs 'anywhere'. I'm not making this up, I can promise you.

This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the CERTIFICATE ENDORSED AND STAMPED as you were instructed in the e-mail below.

Or said e-mails never existed before until now. Just saying.

This is the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given a mandate.

Oh man, now the poor writing is starting to come through the cracks. Also, an e-mail was sent to them?

As stated earlier to have the document endorsed, signed and stamped without failure and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties will be seized and bank account will be confiscated too.

Can someone prove whether or not this would really happen? It just sounds too... what's the word, 'convincing' to be true.

"Hey bub, just because we merely suspected you of fraud and because our previous e-mails somehow slipped into your Spam box, we will suddenly arrest you and have you jailed for the rest of your life. Even if you somehow got out of jail, you will have no money, no possessions, and you will never have a job ever again so you will have to survive on handouts.

Wait... on second thought we should criminalize you so that noone would ever give you handouts either... YOU SCUM!"

You failed to comply with our directives/instruction and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you, 

OR the person could be unaware the previous e-mails were there to begin with. Not that it would be difficult to notice an official warning from the FBI, mind you.

as our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the WARRANT OF ARREST has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48hours as strictly signed by the FBI director. We have investigated and found out that you didn't have any idea when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information's/identity and right now your ID is placed on our website as a wanted person, I believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the FBI.

So wait... if everyone at the FBI knows that the recipient didn't know about the previous warnings, then why give this FINAL WARNING TO END ALL WARNINGS?

Also, 'All your family will be ASHAAAAAAMED!' Nice touch, Mr. Scammer.

As a good Christian and a Honest man, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information's was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions,

WOAH, talk about a plot-twist! Suddenly the bad-cop FBI e-mail guy wants to help the fraud victim! AND HE'S A CHRISTIAN, PEOPLE! GET BACK!!

i called the EFCC and they directed me to a private attorney who can help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse and stamp the document at the sum of $98 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you.

Give or take seemingly unforseen circumstances that require additional payments.

You need to do every possible thing today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Nigeria when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $10,500,000.00 only.

And now the TRUE villain of our story is revealed! IT IS A NIGERIAN!

I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency could give you till 7/30/2012 so that you could get this process done because i learnt that several e-mails has been sent to you without getting a response from you. Bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it had befallen on you. You would make the payment through western union money transfer with the below details.

NAME: DURU VINCE

ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA

TEXT QUESTION: BETTER Wait what?

ANSWER: BEST WHAT? What kind of question/answer is this!? Typically the Q/A would ask for things like 'What street were you born in?' or 'Who was your childhood idol?' rather than inane, one-word nonsense.

AMOUNT: $98 (OH and by the way we may need some extra cash to cover tax. Should be a mere additional $150)

Senders Full Name:

Sender Full Address:

Direct Phone Number:

MTCN:

And by the way, I LOVE how the scammer is trying to 'help' the recipient .. using fraud, the same thing he was trying to get an 'arrest' for. Talk about being set up.

Send the payment details to me as stated above and make sure that you didn't hesitate making the payment down to the agency by today so that they could have the certificate endorsed, signed and stamped immediately without any further delay.

Does the FBI know whether or not someone hesitated or delayed when doing something? "Oop, you paused, now you have to go to jail!"

After all this process has been carried out, then we would have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your compensation funds which is valued at the sum of $10.500,000.00 usd which was supposed to have been transferred to you all this while.

Oh yes, the huge sum of money which was stolen from you, so that you could be used as a scapegoat for arrest for fraud. The same money promised by the Nigerian crime lord.

Note: All the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions. You are given a grace today to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking charges, so be warned not to try anything funny because you are been watched.

OH MY GAWD. First fraud, THEN terrorism, THEN catnip trafficking! What other crimes will the recipient be found 'guilty' of in this gritty, morally unclear world!?

This would be an AWESOME premise for an over-the-top crime drama if there ever was one!

Expecting your anticipated- Co-operation.

Yours in service,

Robert S. Mueller

FBI DIRECTOR

Oh yeah, remember how the letter talked about how all the information and clears were being sent and confirmed with this FBI director guy? ROBERT WAS THE DIRECTOR ALL ALONG!!